Clueless but willing

As I get closer to my occupational change from higher education professional to SAHM (that's Stay At Home Mom for anyone who doesn't frequent parenting websites), I've begun thinking about some of the skills that most SAHMs have that, well, I don't. I know that this indicates all kinds of horrible things about me, like that I'm spoiled and incompetent and blah blah blah, but there's nothing I can do about that. All I can do is admit that I have a problem and seek help. I would never take a job in, say, accounting without learning the basics first--the same should be true with this. The only difference is that no company would hire me to be an accountant unless they knew I knew what I was doing. My family doesn't have that luxury.

So in an effort to perform a sort of self-inventory and confession all in one, I present:

The List of Things That I Should Be Able To Do, And That Other Moms I Know Can Do, But I Can't (But Am Willing To Learn)

1. Sew on a button.
2. Take the screens off my house windows.
3. Change the bag on my vacuum cleaner.
4. Cook.
5. Play a DVD on our TV.
6. Flip one of our breaker switches (technically I know HOW to do this, I just don't know WHERE the box is, which makes me sufficiently insufficient)
7. Pick out fruits and vegetables that are ripe at the store. I have no idea which ones are supposed to be firm, which ones are supposed to be squishy, or bright, or pale.
8. Manage the giant volume of school take-home papers. (Am I the ONLY mother that has this problem? I go to other mother's houses, and I can actually see their table top! WHERE are all those papers?)

I'm sure there are more--this is just a starter list. As I look at it, I realize that most of this stuff doesn't directly have to do with parenting. In fact, I really don't think SAHM will be an accurate name for my new life. I believe I shall refer to the position into which I am moving in less than a month (!) as AMEN Chief Operations Officer (COO). Makes sense, doesn't it? Now I just have to learn all the stuff on my list before my family figures out a way to demote me.