I fully realize that this blog entry might upset some people. After all, I am broaching a subject that people take very seriously, something that many of my friends spend more time thinking about each day than their families or jobs.
Facebook status updates.
I have been on Facebook for a while now, long enough that I consider myself a proficient user. I log on multiple times a day and read all my friends' news. I also make regular status updates of my own. I was hesitant for the longest time to use Facebook, but I must admit I love the way it has kept me updated on the lives of most of my friends and family.
Now. Anyone who knows me at all will tell you that I have just about zero tolerance for unoriginality, corniness and stating the obvious. Please understand that I know that this is not normal, and that a certain amount of the blame lies with me and NOT with the people committing these types of acts. That said, I have, over my time on Facebook, come up with a list of things that I will NEVER do on my Facebook status update.
I recognize that I'm treading on very thin ice here. I figure that I am Facebook friends with about 90% of the people who read this blog. Of those people, I'm estimating that at least 70% of them have done at LEAST one of the things I'm about to list as things I would never do. My hope is that people will see the humor in my cranky ways and not be offended. Hey, maybe even I'll dig up a prize for the person who admits to committing the most Don'ts! Well, we'll see. Love it or hate it, here we go.
1. I will never comment on the weather. This doesn't bother me a ton when it's something benign like "It's a beautiful day!" But when we had that freak snowstorm in March? I saw at least 30 updates that said within a few words of exactly this: "Snow on the first day of spring! What's going on?" It snowed. On the first day of spring. This is unusual. I get it.
2. I will never phrase my status update as a letter to someone/something. Examples: Dear electric bill, why are you so high? Sincerely, Me." or "Dear Sun, I miss you! Where are you? Please come visit me soon! Love, Me." (for the last example, reference also #1. Double no-no.)
3. I will never curse. Not even the B-grade curse words. I don't curse anyway, but even if I did I wouldn't do it on Facebook. It doesn't exactly scream classy. Or original.
4. I will never describe what I just ate, simply for the purpose of describing what I just ate. And any time that an update does merit a food mention, I will never use the words "yum" or "yummy."
5. I will never LOL. NEVER. And I will definitely never LOLOLOL. What does that mean anyway? Laugh out loud out loud out loud?
6. I will never describe any private medical or personal hygiene issues, of myself or other people. You're not going to be seeing breastfeeding updates or dirty diaper descriptions from me.
7. I will never make a political statement. Not even close. I won't touch them with a 10 foot pole. I think I'm allergic to them.
8. I will never use song lyrics as a status update. Unless they are part of a really clever message.
9. I will never copy and paste someone else's status update as my own just because their status update says I should. Even if by not doing so, I am showing the world that I don't love God/my family/my country.
10. I will never use my status update to ask for barn walls, horses, aquariums, roof poles, or any other such nonsense. I don't play any of those Facebook games, but even if I did, status updates are no place to beg.
11. I will never use cryptic statements. Examples: "Why do some people enjoy being hurtful?" "Something big's about to change for me--I'm nervous!" "I am shocked." Really. If you have something to tell, tell it. If not, then keep on moving. Facebook is not a big game of Guess That Drama.
So, have I offended everyone yet? Anyone still speaking to me? Anyone going back to look at how many of these things you've done in the last 24 hours? Don't worry--I don't claim to be any sort of authority on what's cool, so pay no mind to my opinion. And don't think that I don't know that there are at least 2 of you (you know who you are) who are at this every second trying to figure out a status update that will incorporate as many of these things as possible in an attempt to make me crazy. Go for it. You can't phase me. It's a beautiful day, and I have a yummy dinner waiting for me.